The Stages of Marital Sex

The three stages of marital sex:

Honeymoon sex… Where you have sex three or four times a night.

Vacation sex… Where you have sex ten or twelve times a year.

Oral sex… Where you stand on the opposite side of the room and shout ‘FU’!

Male VS Female Facts

  • Male Sexual Facts…?I don’t know if these are true or not. I question its validity because I thought it was normal to have a 9 inch penis.
    1. 94% of men lie about their dick size. According to condom manufacturers, only 6% of men need extra large condoms.
    2. The average man is 5 inches long when erect (no matter what you have heard ladies, that’s the truth). Incidentally the average vaginal capacity is only 6 inches, for you women who think you can handle king dong.
    3. 80% of American men are circumcised. It’s healthier.
    4. No matter what all the ads say, nothing can make your penis grow but time (most men reach the end of their growth by the early 20’s)
    5. There is no correlation between penis size and shoe size, hand size, or nose size.
    6. Blue balls does exist! It’s technically called “prostatic congestion.”
    7. Only 16% of men shave their privates.

 

  • Women Sexual Facts…?
    1. Only 9% of women around the globe consider themselves “attractive” (20% of British women do). 43% of women use the term “natural”, 24% say they have “average” looks, 8% prefer the term “feminine”, 7% say they are “good looking”, and 7% say they are “cute”, and finally only 2% of women say they are “sexy”.
    2. An estimated 85% of women wear the wrong size bra.
    3. 60% of women have had breast implants (this seems ridiculously high)
    4. 75% of women like giving/getting oral sex.
    5. 95% of women shave their pussies…I mean privates.

Naughty Humour For Adults

Behind every great woman is her bum.
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Are your legs made of Nutella?
Because I’d like to spread them!

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A true gentleman holds a door open for his lady and then slaps her ass!

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I’m not staring at your boobs, I’m staring at your heart!

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What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A lesbian with a hard-on!

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The best thing about having a penis is…
Sharing it with people – who don’t have it!

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How can you tell a head nurse?
She’s the one with the dirty knees!

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If one has sex with a prostitute against her will,
is it considered rape or shoplifting?

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Girls, if you’re in an argument with a guy and there is no way to win…
Start playing with your boobs!

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Most of my problems can be solved with nudity!

What’s Wrong With My Tits?

What’s wrong with my tits?
Can someone explain it to me?
Why must I keep them covered up?
Why can’t they come out to play?
If it weren’t for tits, nobody would be alive
On what would babies feed?
What about the times before bottles?
And what is so evil about tits anyway?
Does anyone think they are dangerous?
How many people have been killed by tits?
Do looking at them make people go blind?
Does anyone think they are gross?
My tits aren’t gross
My tits are awesome!
What would happen if I went shopping topless?
What if I played football for the skins’ team?
Would you really arrest me?
For what crime?
If I can go topless at the beach
Or even completely nude
Then why can’t I strip down anywhere?
What difference would it make?
Give us women our freedom
Wouldn’t that be fair?
Give us this right
Let our tits be bare.

Explain Yourself!

There was this couple that was married for 10 years, and had a fine sex life, with one exception – every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights all the way.

Well, at first it wasn’t so annoying, but after 20 years of marriage the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit. Frustrated woman

So one night, while they were in the middle of a romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a specially made pleasure device. She got very angry. “You impotent bastard!” she screamed at him, “How could you have been lying to me all these years? You better explain yourself!”

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, “I’ll explain the toy if you explain where the kids came from.”