Sheerest Lingerie

At Frederick’s of Hollywood a husband wants to buy his wife the sheerest lingerie he can find.

“This is $200,” says the saleswoman, showing him an item.

“I want one that’s more sheer,” he says.

“This one is $350.” “Sheerer than that.”

“This is the sheerest we have. It’s $500.” “I’ll take it!” he replies.

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, “Go put this on and come down to model it for me.”

She goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, “This thing is so see-through that the old coot won’t even notice if I’m wearing it or not. I can take it back for a refund and he won’t know the difference.”

So she comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs.

“So, how do you like it?” she asks. He looks at her a moment and says, “Well, you’d think for $500 they’d iron the thing.”

Sleeping with a Dentist

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says: “You must be a dentist.”
The guy, surprised, says:
“Yes …. How did you figure that out?”
“Easy..” she replies, “you keep washing your hands.”
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it’s over the girl says: “You must be a good dentist.”
The guy, now with an inflated ego, says: “Sure – I’m a good dentist. How did you figure that out?”
The girl replies:… “Didn’t feel a thing.”

Swapping in the Year 2550

The year is 2550 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
“Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen. The Martian responds, “Pretty much the way you do.”

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He’s got only a teeny, weenie member – about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
“I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen. “Why?” he asks, “What’s the matter?”
“Well,” she replies, “it’s just not long enough to reach me!”, “No problem,” he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.

With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long. “Well,” she says, “that’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow.”

“No problem,” he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

“Wow!” she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks, “Well, was it any good?”
“I hate to say it,” says Maureen, “but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?”
“It was horrible,” he replies, “all I got was a headache…she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.”

Skirts and Shoes

One day this woman who hated wearing underwear decided to go shopping for a new pair of shoes, and since she was wearing a skirt, the salesman was enjoying and excellent view.

After the third pair of shoes, the guy couldn’t stand it anymore. “Lady,” he said, “that’s some beautiful sight. I could eat that pussy full of ice cream.”

Disgusted the woman ran out of the store and went home. When her husband got home she told him about the incident and asked him to go beat the shit out of the salesman.

And when he flatly refused, she wanted to know why.

“Three reasons,” said her husband. “Number one: you shouldn’t have been out in a skirt with no underpants. Number two: you have too many shoes to last you for years. And number three: any son of a bitch who can eat that much ice cream I don’t want to mess with in the first place.”

Renders services and must be paid

A prostitute is having a slow night and walks into a bar.

She notices that the bar is empty except for the bartender and a koala bear sitting at the end of the bar.

She thinks for a little bit, and goes up to the koala bear. She asks him if he’d like to go home with her. The koala bear thinks about it, looks at her, and then hops off his stool. They go back to her place and have a good ole time.

In the morning, the koala bear hops off the bed and starts to walk out the door. The prostitute gets up and tells him he needs to pay her. The koala bear looks back at her confused. She immediately thinks, oh you don’t understand. She goes over to the bookshelf and grabs the dictionary.

She flips the page to prostitute and it reads: Renders services and must be paid.

The koala bear then takes away the dictionary and flips it to koala bear and it reads: Eats bush and leaves.