No Excuse

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student’s immediate family.

A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion?” The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, “Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with.”

Where’s my Cock?

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.

One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked the congregation, ‘Has anybody got a cock?’ All the men stood up.

‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?’ All the women stood up.

‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them?’

Half the women stood up. ‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant.

Has anybody seen MY cock?

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up. The priest fainted.

Special Sandals for Freak

This married couple was on holiday in India. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a salesman say, “You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.”

So the married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them “I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They make you wild at sex like great desert camel.”

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them. The husband asked the man, “How could sandals make you into a sex freak?” The salesman replied, “Just try them on.”

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn’t seen in many years!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the salesman, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the man’s thighs.

The salesman then began screaming, “STOP!!! YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FOOT!!”

Fucking Insult

Man teases his ex-wife’s new hushand: so dude how was the second-hand stuff?

New husband: Not bad, after the first 2 inches, she was brand new!

He said to me

  1. I don’t know why you wear a bra, you’ve got nothing to put in it. I said to him You wear pants don’t you?
  2. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?I said to him, that’s a good idea, you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart
  3. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? I said to him Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
  4. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good – looking? I said to him They already have boyfriends.
  5. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?I said to him. A widow.
  6. Why are married women heavier than single women? I said to him. Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.