Gambling Problem

Little Johnny goes to school one day and his dad tells the teacher Johnny has a gambling problem and might bet the kids for their lunch money.

The teacher said, “I can handle it.” Well later that day Johnny’s dad gets a call from the teacher. “I think I’ve cured Johnny’s betting problem,” said the teacher.

“How?” asked Johnny’s dad.

“Well he bet me ten bucks there was a mole on my ass. I took him to the teachers lounge and showed him there wasn’t one there. And I took his ten bucks.”

“Damn, he bet me fifty bucks he would see the teachers ass before the day was through.”

Typical male!

A man parks his car a the supermarket and is walking past an empty cart when he hears a woman ask, “Excuse me, do you want that cart?”

“No,” he answers, “I’m only after one thing.”

As he gets closer to the store, he hears the woman murmur under her breath, “Typical male!”

No Excuse

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student’s immediate family.

A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion?” The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, “Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with.”

Where’s my Cock?

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.

One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked the congregation, ‘Has anybody got a cock?’ All the men stood up.

‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?’ All the women stood up.

‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them?’

Half the women stood up. ‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant.

Has anybody seen MY cock?

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up. The priest fainted.

Special Sandals for Freak

This married couple was on holiday in India. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a salesman say, “You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.”

So the married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them “I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They make you wild at sex like great desert camel.”

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them. The husband asked the man, “How could sandals make you into a sex freak?” The salesman replied, “Just try them on.”

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn’t seen in many years!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the salesman, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the man’s thighs.

The salesman then began screaming, “STOP!!! YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FOOT!!”