- A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(O.M.G.!!!) - A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy. I’m still not over the pig.) - The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
(Honey, I’m home . What the…?) - The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) - The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) - Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still can’t believe that pig …quality over quantity.) - Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.) - Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.) - A cat’s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.) - An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.) - Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.) - Polar bears are left-handed.
(Talk about a southpaw.) - Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)
Promotion Blues!!!
Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.
Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Leroy says, “Hey, Jasper, there’s the Officer’s Club. Let’s you and me stop in.”
“But we’re privates,” protests Jasper.
“We’re sergeants now,” says Leroy, pulling him inside. “Now, Jasper, I’m gonna sit down and have me a drink.”
“But we’s privates,” says Jasper.
“You blind?” asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. “We’re sergeants now.”
So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. “You’re cute,” she says, “and I’d like to screw you, but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea.”
Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what ‘gonorrhea’ means. If it’s okay, give me the okay sign.”
So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
“Jasper,” he says, “why’d you give me the okay?”
“Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates.” He points to his stripes, “But we’re sergeants now!”
Grown Hair
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said: “that part where hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair” the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: “my monkey has grown hair”
Her sister smiled and said: “that’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas”
Mom fainted…
An Elevator
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, ‘What is this Father?’
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, ‘Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.’
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son… ‘Go get your Mother’
Jewish Newly Weds
A young Jewish couple got married and went on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
“Well”, said her mother, “so how was the honeymoon?”
“Oh mama”, she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful!
So romantic”… Suddenly she burst out crying.
“But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language — things
I’d never heard before!
I mean, all these awful four-letter words!
You’ve got to take me home!!
PLEASE MAMA !”
“Sarah, Sarah”, her mother said, “calm down!
You need to stay with your husband and work this out.
Now, tell me, what could be so awful?
WHAT four-letter words?”
“Please don’t make me tell you, mama,” wept the daughter.
“I’m so embarrassed, they’re just too awful!
COME GET ME, PLEASE!!”
“Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.
Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!”
Sobbing, the bride said, “Oh, Mama…, he used words like: “DUST, WASH , IRON, and COOK…
“I’ll pick you up in twenty minutes,” said her mother.