Patent for Apple

A man walked into his lawyer’s office with an apple and said he wanted to patent it.
The lawyer looked at him and said it was just an apple and not to be so stupid.
But the man explained that this is a special apple and asked the lawyer to take a bite.
So the lawyer took a bite and it tasted like a banana.
The man told him to turn it round a little bit and have another bite, so the lawyer did and it tasted like an orange.
He was amazed!
The man told him he could make it taste like anything he wanted as he turned it round, so, the lawyer asks if he can make it taste like a juicy vagina.
The man says no problem, hands the apple back to the lawyer and tells him to take a bite.
The lawyer does and starts coughing and spluttering and spits the apple out.
That tastes like shit he shouts.
The man just laughs and tells him: just turn the apple around!

Best Veggies

This small farm town had a vegetable fair to see who grew the biggest and best vegetables at harvest time and every year the same old man won first place.

So one day his young and beautiful next-door neighbor asked him “How do you grow such big tomatoes mister?”

The man hesitated for a minute and whispered “Well honey, every morning at dawn, I take my robe off and flash the garden. ”

The young woman was intrigued by his strategy and decided to try it also.

The following season the woman knocked on the old man’s door.

The man came out and the girl confessed that she had been flashing her garden also but showed him that her tomatoes weren’t any better than before.

After showing him the vegetables the young woman said, “My tomatoes may not be great, but you should see my cucumbers!”

My first time ever

It was my first time ever
And I’ll never forget
I’d do it again
Without a single regret.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn’t know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came..
At last it’s finished
It’s all over now
My first time ever




At milking a cow…

Sheerest Lingerie

At Frederick’s of Hollywood a husband wants to buy his wife the sheerest lingerie he can find.

“This is $200,” says the saleswoman, showing him an item.

“I want one that’s more sheer,” he says.

“This one is $350.” “Sheerer than that.”

“This is the sheerest we have. It’s $500.” “I’ll take it!” he replies.

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, “Go put this on and come down to model it for me.”

She goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, “This thing is so see-through that the old coot won’t even notice if I’m wearing it or not. I can take it back for a refund and he won’t know the difference.”

So she comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs.

“So, how do you like it?” she asks. He looks at her a moment and says, “Well, you’d think for $500 they’d iron the thing.”

Sleeping with a Dentist

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says: “You must be a dentist.”
The guy, surprised, says:
“Yes …. How did you figure that out?”
“Easy..” she replies, “you keep washing your hands.”
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it’s over the girl says: “You must be a good dentist.”
The guy, now with an inflated ego, says: “Sure – I’m a good dentist. How did you figure that out?”
The girl replies:… “Didn’t feel a thing.”