National Symbol

The government today announced that it is changing its national symbol to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government’s political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed. Damn, it just doesn’t get more accurate than that!

Craziest Birth Control Methods

  1. Crocodile Dung: Ancient Egyptian documents dating back to 1850 B.C. Describe how pessaries — objects or concoctions inserted into the vagina to block sperm — made of crocodile dung, honey, and sodium carbonate were common contraceptive methods. Crocodile dung is actually slightly alkaline, like modern-day spermicides, so it might have worked.
  2. Weasel’s Testicles: Medieval cultures had some creative ways to stave off babies, like tying a weasel’s testicles around their inner thighs. According to the myth, if one takes the two testicles of a weasel and wraps them up, binding them to the thigh of a woman who wears also a weasel bone on her, she will no longer be able to conceive. Obviously, the method is nonsense.
  3. Mercury: More dangerous contraceptive practices included the drinking of lead and mercury by Chinese women thousands of years ago. This deadly potion was used by concubines in ancient China in order to remain sterile. These substances are known to cause things like kidney failure, brain damage and, of course, death.
  4. Brewed Tea With Beaver Testicles: This practice dates back to the 16th century in Canada, when women sought to prevent conception by soaking dried beaver testicles in a concentrated solution of alcohol and then deeply drinking the resulting infuse. There is no record of its effectiveness.
  5. Continue reading

Funny Phrases

  1. When I was born, I was given a choice – A big dick or a good memory. I don’t remember, what I chose.
  2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
  3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
  4. Impotence: Nature’s way of saying ‘No hard feelings…’
  5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – “don’t” and “stop”, unless they are used together.
  6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
  7. There are three stages of sex in a man’s life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
  8. Virginity can be cured.
  9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.
  10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
  11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
  12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
  13. Q: What’s an Australian kiss?
    A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
  14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing…
  15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
    A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn’t
  16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    A: Breasts don’t have eyes.
  17. Despite the old saying, ‘ Don ‘t take your troubles to bed’, many men still sleep with their wives!!
  18. Breasts are proof that men can focus on 2 things at a time.

Sex Education

A man walks into a drug store with his 13-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son…. Men use them to have safe sex.”

“Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”
The Dad replies, “Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
“Cool!” says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college boys.” The dad answers, “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…

Difference in Names

A little native American boy asked his father, the Big Chief of the tribe: “Father, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have short names like Bill, Tex or Sam?”
“My son”, replied his father, “Our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem in our culture; not like the white men who live all together and merely repeat their names from generation to generation. For example, your sister’s name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake because, on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake. “Then there’s your brother, White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and of the life force of our people. It’s really very simple and easy to understand.

“Do you have any other questions for me, Little Broken Condom Made In China?”