A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey.
He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.
The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, Can your dog perform other tricks?”.
“But of course”, the man answers, “he can even satisfy a woman.”
Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar.
She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed.
The dogs looks at her and does nothing.
“It’s always the same thing with you!”, the man then shouts to the dog, ‘I’ll show you how to do it one last time’.
Two old lesbians were doing it on a park bench.
The first one says to the second one, “Take off your glasses, you’re scratching my leg.”
The second says to the first,”Put your glasses on,you’re licking the bench!”
There were these three guys at the lake, a German, an Englishman and a Nigerian.
The German took out his dick, put it in the water, waited a while and told the others: “I can feel the water it’s a 32 degrees Celsius.”
The other two were amazed. “Let me try”, the Englishman said. So he put his organ in the water, waited and said: “To be more exact, the temperature is 32.3”
At last the black man took his equipment, lowered it into the lake and said: “I’ve no idea about the temperature, but the water is 2 feet 9 inches deep.”
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the Story:
- Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
- Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
- And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’
‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.’
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the Story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there..