Renders services and must be paid

A prostitute is having a slow night and walks into a bar.

She notices that the bar is empty except for the bartender and a koala bear sitting at the end of the bar.

She thinks for a little bit, and goes up to the koala bear. She asks him if he’d like to go home with her. The koala bear thinks about it, looks at her, and then hops off his stool. They go back to her place and have a good ole time.

In the morning, the koala bear hops off the bed and starts to walk out the door. The prostitute gets up and tells him he needs to pay her. The koala bear looks back at her confused. She immediately thinks, oh you don’t understand. She goes over to the bookshelf and grabs the dictionary.

She flips the page to prostitute and it reads: Renders services and must be paid.

The koala bear then takes away the dictionary and flips it to koala bear and it reads: Eats bush and leaves.

Four Letter Words

The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman.

The next day someone asked him how things had gone.

“She uses too many four-letter words for me,” was the reply. “Really?”

“Yes,” answered the playboy. “All evening long she was saying “don’t” and “stop” and “quit that.”

Computer – A Masculine or A Feminine

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

“House” for instance, is feminine: “la casa.”

“Pencil,” however, is masculine: “el lapiz.”

A student asked, “What gender is ‘computer’?”

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender (“la computadora”) because:

  1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
  2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
  3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
  4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (“el computador”) because:

  1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
  2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves.
  3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and
  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Sex using the Maths

One day a teacher told her student’s to make a sentence using the math terms add, subtract, divide, multiply.

When time was over she called on a student named Johnny he said this is the process of having sex.

He said, first you add the bed, subtract the clothes, a divide the legs and hope you don’t multiply.

Just Love Me For Who I Am

One evening last week, my wife and I got into bed.

Well, The passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said “WHAT!!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear… “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love Me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’ll just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”

She was almost nearing ecstatic satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurt out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled “WHAT??!!!”

I then said “Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”