Special Apple

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A man walked into his lawyer’s office with an apple and said he wanted to patent it. The lawyer looked at him and said it was just an apple and not to be so stupid. But the man explained that this is a special apple and asked the lawyer to take a bite. So the lawyer took a bite and it tasted like a banana. The man told him to turn it round a little bit and have another bite, so the lawyer did and it tasted like an orange. He was amazed! The man told him he could make it taste like anything he wanted as he turned it round, so, the lawyer asks if he can make it taste like a juicy vagina. The man says no problem, hands the apple back to the lawyer and tells him to take a bite. The lawyer does and starts coughing and spluttering and spits the apple out. That tastes like shit he shouts. The man just laughs and tells him: just turn the apple around!

Precious Puppy

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A young woman had lost her precious puppy. She pinned up signs and posters and went door-to-door asking about her precious puppy. When she came to a door, a man appeared and asked, “What are you doing here?
“She asked back, “Have you seen my Titswiggle?
“The man replied with a red face,” Yes, I watch you through my bedroom window before I go to bed.”

Copy Cat – Ape!!!

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The man was in front of the Ape cage at the zoo. He covered his eyes and the Ape did the same. He covered his ears – the Ape did the same. He covered his mouth, so did the Ape. He tweaked his nose at the ape and the Ape got mad and threw ape-crap all over the man. The man ran to the zookeeper and complained. The zookeeper asked him what he had done to piss-off the Ape. He told him all the things he did. When he got to the part about ‘tweaking his nose’ at the Ape, the zoo-keeper said “Well, no wonder! Tweaking your nose means FUCK YOU in Ape-talk!” Continue reading

Lottery

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Woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband,
“Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!”
“Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”
“Whatever. Just so you’re out of the house by noon!”

Bartender and a Guy

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A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 tequilas. The bartender asked, “what’s wrong,” and the guy says that he just found out that his younger son is gay. The bartender says, “he’s sorry about it.” After a couple of days the guy comes back and orders 15 tequilas. The bartender asked, “What’s wrong now,” to which the guy responds That he found out that his older son was gay, too. The bartender says that he’s sorry. The guy returned a few days later and ordered 20 tequilas. The bartender burst out, “Isn’t anyone in your family gettin’ any pussy?!” The guy gets really pissed and says, “Yeah, my wife!!!!!”