A Damn Good Explanation

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The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman And she was upset.

‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you.

I want a divorce right away ! And the husband replied, ‘Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.

‘Go ahead,’ she sobbed,’ but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!’
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Funny Phrases

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  1. When I was born, I was given a choice – A big dick or a good memory. I don’t remember, what I chose.
  2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
  3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
  4. Impotence: Nature’s way of saying ‘No hard feelings…’
  5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – “don’t” and “stop”, unless they are used together.
  6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
  7. There are three stages of sex in a man’s life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
  8. Virginity can be cured.
  9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.
  10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
  11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
  12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
  13. Q: What’s an Australian kiss?
    A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
  14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing…
  15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
    A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn’t
  16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    A: Breasts don’t have eyes.
  17. Despite the old saying, ‘ Don ‘t take your troubles to bed’, many men still sleep with their wives!!
  18. Breasts are proof that men can focus on 2 things at a time.

Special Apple

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A man walked into his lawyer’s office with an apple and said he wanted to patent it. The lawyer looked at him and said it was just an apple and not to be so stupid. But the man explained that this is a special apple and asked the lawyer to take a bite. So the lawyer took a bite and it tasted like a banana. The man told him to turn it round a little bit and have another bite, so the lawyer did and it tasted like an orange. He was amazed! The man told him he could make it taste like anything he wanted as he turned it round, so, the lawyer asks if he can make it taste like a juicy vagina. The man says no problem, hands the apple back to the lawyer and tells him to take a bite. The lawyer does and starts coughing and spluttering and spits the apple out. That tastes like shit he shouts. The man just laughs and tells him: just turn the apple around!

Precious Puppy

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A young woman had lost her precious puppy. She pinned up signs and posters and went door-to-door asking about her precious puppy. When she came to a door, a man appeared and asked, “What are you doing here?
“She asked back, “Have you seen my Titswiggle?
“The man replied with a red face,” Yes, I watch you through my bedroom window before I go to bed.”

Copy Cat – Ape!!!

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The man was in front of the Ape cage at the zoo. He covered his eyes and the Ape did the same. He covered his ears – the Ape did the same. He covered his mouth, so did the Ape. He tweaked his nose at the ape and the Ape got mad and threw ape-crap all over the man. The man ran to the zookeeper and complained. The zookeeper asked him what he had done to piss-off the Ape. He told him all the things he did. When he got to the part about ‘tweaking his nose’ at the Ape, the zoo-keeper said “Well, no wonder! Tweaking your nose means FUCK YOU in Ape-talk!” Continue reading