Erection For Weeks

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A guy goes to the doctor. He says to the doctor, “Doc, you got to help me, I’ve had this erection for weeks. It hurts so bad, I can’t put up with it anymore. So, can you help me?”
The doctor says, “I can help you.” So he licks his two fingers and smacks the guy’s dick. Then a bug flew off and his dick went back to normal.
Then the guy said, “Doc, I feel great now! How much do I owe you?”
The doctor says, “Find me that bug and you don’t owe me nothing’.”

Desperate For Sex

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A new recruit joins the French foreign legion, after 6 months he is desperate for sex. He asked an old member, “What do you do for Sex around here?”

The man replied, “We use Doris.”

“Who’s Doris?” The man replied, “Camel in stable.” The new recruiter said, “Yuk I’m not that desperate.”

After a year, he can’t take it any more. He walks to the stable, grabs a stool and starts humping the Camel. In walks an Old member and looks disgusted. “Uh you pervert, we use Doris to ride to the Brothel!”

A Damn Good Explanation

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The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman And she was upset.

‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you.

I want a divorce right away ! And the husband replied, ‘Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.

‘Go ahead,’ she sobbed,’ but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!’
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Funny Phrases

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  1. When I was born, I was given a choice – A big dick or a good memory. I don’t remember, what I chose.
  2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
  3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
  4. Impotence: Nature’s way of saying ‘No hard feelings…’
  5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – “don’t” and “stop”, unless they are used together.
  6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
  7. There are three stages of sex in a man’s life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
  8. Virginity can be cured.
  9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.
  10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
  11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
  12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
  13. Q: What’s an Australian kiss?
    A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
  14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing…
  15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
    A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn’t
  16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    A: Breasts don’t have eyes.
  17. Despite the old saying, ‘ Don ‘t take your troubles to bed’, many men still sleep with their wives!!
  18. Breasts are proof that men can focus on 2 things at a time.

Special Apple

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A man walked into his lawyer’s office with an apple and said he wanted to patent it. The lawyer looked at him and said it was just an apple and not to be so stupid. But the man explained that this is a special apple and asked the lawyer to take a bite. So the lawyer took a bite and it tasted like a banana. The man told him to turn it round a little bit and have another bite, so the lawyer did and it tasted like an orange. He was amazed! The man told him he could make it taste like anything he wanted as he turned it round, so, the lawyer asks if he can make it taste like a juicy vagina. The man says no problem, hands the apple back to the lawyer and tells him to take a bite. The lawyer does and starts coughing and spluttering and spits the apple out. That tastes like shit he shouts. The man just laughs and tells him: just turn the apple around!