My Mop

One day a little boy sees his mother stepping out of the shower and curiously points to her triangle of hair and asks, “Mommy, what’s that?”

“That’s my mop”, she replies. The little boy then asks, “Where is the handle?” The mother replies, “Oh, Dad is going to put it on tonight.”

No honey, I don’t feel like it

Ive never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing Or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example…One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”
I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear… “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, high-end department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a tsunami. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. But, I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”

She appeared to be almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear; let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, “WHAT?”

I then said “Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial means as a man, enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”
Apparently, I’m not having sex tonight either…

Patent for Apple

A man walked into his lawyer’s office with an apple and said he wanted to patent it.
The lawyer looked at him and said it was just an apple and not to be so stupid.
But the man explained that this is a special apple and asked the lawyer to take a bite.
So the lawyer took a bite and it tasted like a banana.
The man told him to turn it round a little bit and have another bite, so the lawyer did and it tasted like an orange.
He was amazed!
The man told him he could make it taste like anything he wanted as he turned it round, so, the lawyer asks if he can make it taste like a juicy vagina.
The man says no problem, hands the apple back to the lawyer and tells him to take a bite.
The lawyer does and starts coughing and spluttering and spits the apple out.
That tastes like shit he shouts.
The man just laughs and tells him: just turn the apple around!

Best Veggies

This small farm town had a vegetable fair to see who grew the biggest and best vegetables at harvest time and every year the same old man won first place.

So one day his young and beautiful next-door neighbor asked him “How do you grow such big tomatoes mister?”

The man hesitated for a minute and whispered “Well honey, every morning at dawn, I take my robe off and flash the garden. ”

The young woman was intrigued by his strategy and decided to try it also.

The following season the woman knocked on the old man’s door.

The man came out and the girl confessed that she had been flashing her garden also but showed him that her tomatoes weren’t any better than before.

After showing him the vegetables the young woman said, “My tomatoes may not be great, but you should see my cucumbers!”

My first time ever

It was my first time ever
And I’ll never forget
I’d do it again
Without a single regret.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn’t know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came..
At last it’s finished
It’s all over now
My first time ever




At milking a cow…