Special Sandals for Freak

This married couple was on holiday in India. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a salesman say, “You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.”

So the married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them “I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They make you wild at sex like great desert camel.”

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them. The husband asked the man, “How could sandals make you into a sex freak?” The salesman replied, “Just try them on.”

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn’t seen in many years!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the salesman, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the man’s thighs.

The salesman then began screaming, “STOP!!! YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FOOT!!”

Rules of a New Golf Club

  1. Ladies are prohibited from touching gentleman’s balls, either with hands or clubs.
  2. All holes must be kept clean.
  3. Gentlemen making a hole-in-one, must change lady partners in the second round.
  4. Ladies are requested to remain quiet while gentlemen are taking short strokes.
  5. Partners are requested to tee off together at each tee.
  6. When the lady partner goes off first, the gentleman must not delay the stroke but continue to play.
  7. In cases where the lay is impossible, ladies have the privilege of choosing a new position.
  8. When the gentleman finds this impossible, he may choose a new lay starting at least a ball’s length from the hole.
  9. Players are requested to refrain from playing any holes under repair or with red flag in white background.
  10. While the management strives to improve the course in every way, they cannot be held responsible for the loss or damage of balls in the brush or around the holes.

Lost My Virginity

A boy comes home from school and says to his mom,” I lost my virginity today”.

His mom replies angrily, “You tell your father about what you’ve done, when he gets home!” His dad comes home about twenty minutes later and he tells his dad that he lost his virginity. His dad says, “Good job son! How was it?

Then the son says, “It was pretty good Dad, but do you have any Vaseline? My ass hurts.

Red Tomatoes

A beautiful woman is having trouble growing tomatoes… seems she can’t get them to turn red!

She knows it is not the weather or the soil as the man next door has a garden full of big red tomatoes.

She asks him about his secret…

“Twice a day” he says “I stand naked in front of the tomatoes, they blush and turn bright red.”

This sounds foolish, but what the heck, so she spends the next few days standing nude in her garden.

A week goes by and she runs into her neighbor and he asks…

“Have your tomatoes turned red?”

“Not really” she says…”but the strangest thing has happened… the cucumbers have swollen up and are standing on end.”

Blind Cowboy in Blonde Bar

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake…

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him say, ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a ‘Billy-Club’.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

‘Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy… Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’

The blind Cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, ‘No… not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times…’